Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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