Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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