He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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