please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
