I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
