Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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