I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.