tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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