i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
worst night to have a conscience
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
