I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
