Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
