Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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