Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
