I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize