I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
