I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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