I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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