My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
