Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
