so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
