I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
