I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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