did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
