I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
