The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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