you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
