On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you had me at cake vodka
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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