Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
