I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
