So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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