I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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