i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
