hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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