I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
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I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
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I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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