if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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