when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
