I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
