happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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