Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
