i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
