Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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