it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
