some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
