I queefed so loud it echoed.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
