he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
