You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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