y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
