I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
