Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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