Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
