Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
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He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
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Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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