We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
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Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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