OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
