Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
