I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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