God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
