you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
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I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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