Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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