I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
