I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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