you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
