I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
