why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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