$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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